Thoughts

Being still is not easy for me, who tends to feel good when I’m “getting things done.”.  Yet for the last several days, I just laid around and listened to books on audio. These are all the reasons why I need my meditation practice, which I haven’t while I’ve been sick.  What I’ve noticed while befriending with this illness, though, is that there’s something inside of me beckoning my attention.  I can’t quite put a finger on it, but the calling is getting louder.  Perhaps it’s time for another retreat.  Some kind of time and space for introspection are needed.  

As I consider the years ahead, I am reminded of the importance of cherishing memories while embracing the present. It's not just about digitizing photographs or reducing physical clutter; it's about finding a balance between holding onto what truly matters and being able to let go of what no longer serves a purpose. It's about creating space, both physically and mentally, to fully experience life as it unfolds.

As I gaze upon the bountiful blooms and the majestic snow-covered peaks, I am reminded of the profound interconnectedness of all living things. The lessons nature imparts are not confined to the external world; they extend to our own lives and the nourishment we require to thrive. By reflecting on our own growth and nurturing our well-being, we can align ourselves with nature’s rhythms and discover the harmony that comes from being an integral part of this remarkable world.

Embraced by the bright yellow blossoms of Palo Verdes, this place was meticulously landscaped and maintained. All the desert species were thriving with the backdrop of snow capped Mt. San Jacinto. Quite a view! As I walked the labyrinth in the garden, I was contemplating on Life as I have been lately. It’s not the destination that I get to enjoy the most, but the whole meandering path. We all know where the end is, and we get to take each step on the path in front of us even when we don’t know when and where it ends. It’s kind of like that, right? I think I’m learning to get used to this uncertain nature of my journey and surrendering my impulse to control outcomes in all areas of my life. It can be quite liberating.

I stopped covering my gray hair about a year ago rather accidentally. During the pandemic, I was doing the coloring by myself with natural tints until one day it didn’t take. When I asked my hair stylist if she would color at my following appointment for a cut, she told me to my surprise “I think you should grow it out. I think it would look great on you” I’m gullible, all right. I went with the idea. My grays are mostly around my face, especially, on the sides. After all I’m in my 60s, so why not go au natural? It’s part of getting old.

So that’s what I told the kids. I told them to follow their heart. I told them they get to try everything they’re interested in, and they can always change, and that they can be more than one thing at a time. Besides, by the time these kids I talked to today are old enough to choose careers, there will be professions that don’t exist today. There will be professions we know now that might be “extinct” by then as well. Possibilities are literally endless. It would be my honor if someone in that assembly got to plant a seed in their mind about a possibility of what they can do with their life although I will probably never know.

I don’t think I have ever been so anxious for spring to arrive before.  And it finally came this last weekend!!  It was beautiful and warm, and my daffodils finally started opening and are now popping open so gleefully in the last few days. For weeks, they were just poking out of the ground, teasing me with their promise of vibrant yellow blooms. After, the unusually harsh winter, the emergence of new life is a welcome sight, and the arrival of spring particularly special. 

I received an unexpected call this week from a young man in Chicago.  It turns out he is a nephew of late James Lilly, who was the protagonist of a documentary I made many moons ago. After working with James for 9 years, I finished the film called, “Pushin’ Forward,” in 2007 chronicling his life as he pursued his dream of winning the world’s longest wheelchair race in Alaska. James was a former gang member in Chicago, got shot and paralyzed when he was 15 years-old and later became a world-class wheelchair athlete.   It was a story about redemption and perseverance. The film ends with the long-coveted victory.  James’ life work was to keep sharing his story to inner-city kids to steer them away from bad choices.

All this to tell you the truth. I’ve been hanging onto my practice by a thin thread of my weekly practice group and the daily morning practice with IMC on YouTube, which I often sleep through. I have not been participating in Dharma related courses nor teaching Dharma offering. After 6 years of weekly offering, handful of people including a few who had been coming in person still show up every week which gives me so much joy. While I do desire to practice more deeply as I love the teachings so much, my life is full and that’s just how it is today. One of my teachers, Gil Fronsdal, once said to me “Trust the Dharma.” It’s about trusting the journey itself.

For me personally, the losses of my beloved 17-year old cat, Nicola, and my 93-year old mother were by far the most poignant besides letting go of our residence in the city.  I must emphatically say, though, the “positive” winds blew much more prominently in my life including the experience of living in the mountains itself.  So many nourishing connections were made during these last three years. I had opportunities to travel to unexpected places, to collaborate with like-minded people, and to simply appreciate life as it is amidst the blowing winds.

It is actually poignant… It’s exactly 3 years ago this week when the world stopped because of COVID. While all the restrictions and warnings about the COVID have calmed down significantly, I think this is the first spring when we all feel relatively safe and free to do things without wearing masks. We’re all thawing from the last three years of incredibly stressful time in history. I trust humanity will remain resilient like those flowers and buds that come out after a long cold winter to bloom again.

After a week of rather intense snowstorms and while many people in the community were still trying to get themselves dug out, I felt a bit guilty for going for a purely pleasurable experience of being in the snow and moving my body.  Yet, it was exactly what I needed to ground myself.  I felt invigorated and more centered afterwards.

While I’m so grateful to have had neighbors’ in the community with power provided shelter for us when it got very cold in the house at night, this was a hard reality that many of us faced. It is a test of resiliency, not only for us in this community but everywhere else. I was delighted to see how there were so many angels in the community who were more than willing to help those who were in need, which is a big part of resiliency factor. Many households in L.A. have been out of power from this storm, and we’ve seen so many other cities across the country lost power for days on end, some are in much more frigid cold climate.

One of my cats is sitting on my lap.  This one is Zoey, the girl.  Her brother, Benji is curled up on my husband, Kenny’s lap as well.  These kittens we adopted last summer are growing up fast.  They are about 10-months old now and both weigh almost 10 lbs! They are the second set of kitties Kenny and I have together.  Kenny, who was never really a “cat person,” is enamored with these two cats because they are exceptionally sweet. 

Despite the temperature drop before the snow on the weekend, we managed to get out to our favorite trail to take in the fresh air, the blue sky, and hear the wind. Anyone can attest, especially after having gone through the pandemic (can’t believe it’s been 3 years!), that being in the nature is good for us. I’ve learned personally the benefit of being amongst the trees and bushes, the birds, all other critters who call these forests home. Now I’m learning how to reciprocate as a human who live among them. How can I be a better steward to the place I call home? How can I care better? As I watch the snow clouds roll in in the field, I’m contemplating on the work in front of me. How can I help? What does the Earth needing us, human species, to do?

I do find these practices to be meaningful.  The ancient people somehow knew how to honor the passage of time.  When we live in a world driven by material and sensual pursuit, it’s comforting to know these rituals are still practiced everywhere.  I’m inspired by how the celestial movements of time provided so much wisdom way before science came along.  And it feels almost luxury or privilege to be able to integrate such fundamental ways of life into our modern living. 

Just like my meditation practice has been a little uncertain (as I wrote about last week), all aspects of life sometimes get a bit, well, “uncertain” despite my well-intended effort.  Sometimes I feel confused about what I’m doing – in business and in personal life – and I lose confidence.  When Buddha was meditating before he reached his Nirvana, he was fraught with desires, aversions, sluggishness, restlessness, and most significantly doubt.  It is said that he reached his down to touch the earth to ground himself, and that’s when he was enlightened. 

Fast forward to 2023, I must admit I’ve felt like I’ve been in an impasse with my practice for the last few years. I realized there was so much more to Buddhism than Vipassana. Having grown up in a Buddhist country, I was aware of other Buddhist denominations, especially the Soto and Rinzai Zen, although never practiced. I have quite a few friends who practice Zen, ad many of my teachers were originally trained in Zen tradition. I’ve also met people who has been practicing Shin Buddhism (mainly brought to the West by Asian immigrants) and deeply involved in the communities.

It’s already half-way through January of this new year, 2023. I have been rather sensitive to what happens in the beginning of the year as I always believed that what happens during “Oshogatsu (the first three days of January, which are official holidais in Japan)” pretty much predicts what happens for the rest of the year. Surely there’s some truth to it, especially with intention setting, but not necessarily the “new year’s resolution.”

I must admit, though, it’s been really hard to motivate myself to work.  As the new year began and the world has already started churning, I have a list of things I want to get done, people to contact, and things to organize.  Of course, I’ve prepared my action plan for 2023 with my “goals” for the year.  And I find myself staring at my action plan and feeling lost as to where to begin.  It’s not that I’ve been lounging around with my cats, but I feel almost lethargic when it’s gloomy and cold outside.  I would rather sit by the fire and read a book or something.