Thoughts

Besides, who knows what’s coming in the new year.  We all wish the new year is better than the ones we just lived in the last few while there’s still much uncertainty in the world as well as in my own life.  Whatever comes, I want to be ready and available so that I am living my life fully through trials and tribulations AND joy and excitements with equanimity.

Also I would like to let go of the beliefs that lead to certain habits or behavioral patterns that are unwholesome. What would help my body to feel more healthy and vibrant? What would help me feel more emotionally spacious and loving? I would like to let go of whatever that hinders me from experiencing a deeper sense of myself. Yes, a deeper sense of who I am. Thus the sacred pause so I can get in touch with the Source, the Higher Power, the Spirit…

This is the third winter living in the mountains.  While I do really love being in the forest all the time, I am often reminded that I have been an urban dweller pretty much my entire life.  Everything I love about living here can also be inconvenience for city slickers.   We don’t have any major brand stores, not even a Starbucks.  There’s no traffic light.  I was so used to being able to get to any store if I needed something, go to movies or meet up with friends last minutes.  But from here the closest Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods are an hour away.  So is a hospital.   

I used to go to a silent meditation retreat at the end of the year between Christmas and New Year. Only through sitting in silence for an extended time I could clear my mind space. As the year-end retreat is no longer offered by my teacher, it is up to me to carve out some time for reflection: What were my goals, desires, and dreams I was able to realize? What were things that I didn’t quite accomplish? Wha

Then I had an idea. I asked a friend who came to see my photos who happened to be a musician if he’d play music outside the gallery not so much to “perform” but to hang out and play. Sure enough, people would hear the music and started noticing the gallery while we were just having fun making noise. We decided to do it again on Sunday, which was the very last day of my show and invited some other friends who played instruments to join. The rest was magic. I love being around musicians when they’re randomly jamming. It was an almost spontaneous gathering of friends just having fun in the community. In the end, we had as many people walk into the gallery as we did for the opening reception.

Despite the history, I can say, as an immigrant, I am grateful for what this country has given me. I have attained an “American Dream,” a rich life filled with adventures, opportunities, and deep connections with people from literally all over the world as well as the vast nature this enormous continent embraces.

I noticed the word, “Ikigai” (生き甲斐) is mentioned often in English lately, mostly in the context of motivational, psychological or spiritual discussions. It is a recent adaptation of a Japanese word like many other Japanese words that became well part of spoken English like sushi, futon, karaoke, emoji, etc. I love the word, “ikigai” and I’ve always appreciated its meaning. I would interpret as, “something meaningful to live for.”

So I decided I was going to cook a special dinner this time. It was my “special” beef stew cooked all day in a crockpot. I know I’ve cooked this before for his birthdays or some other “special occasions.” As I went shopping a few days prior to get the ingredients, a thought arose that may be beef stew isn’t necessarily special for my husband. Then I realized this dish was very special in the context of my childhood memory .

In a way, this is how I’ve traversed my life. I didn’t follow a typical trajectory academically or professionally. I admit every once in a while I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life earlier on and followed a plan accordingly like some people do. But then, I don’t have regret about the meandering paths I’ve taken as I feel like that’s how rich my life has turned out to be. All the twists and turns like those mountain roads I used to drive with my father led me to where I am today, and I’m blessed with such cornucopia of interesting experiences and people in my life. And I feel like I’m still meandering through life as my curiosity leads my way.

What I am keenly aware of other than the change of seasons as I live through these seasons in the mountains is the state of nature. I hear it’s going to be another fairly dry winter on the West. It’s the 3rd year of this severe drought, and we’re living with restriction of water usage in California. When we’re living in the city, though, it’s not in our face that many species of plants, hence other species such as birds and animals, are suffering, too, from not enough water while up here we see increasing number of trees turning brown and eventually falling down or being cut down.

Since then, I’ve attempted to grow basils on my balcony with mixed results. I’ve grown some microgreen on my kitchen window. Yet my latest attempt at growing thing has got me composting. We had been taking our food scrap to the compost bins at the community garden even though I no longer have a box. And we cannot keep outdoor composters around the house unless I can build some kind of fencing to protect from the wildlife. So I decided to try the indoor composting kit that comes with bags of bran called, Bokashi. These powders breaks down the food scrap and make compost in the bucket while sitting in the dark spot in the house, which is much easier than typical composting, or so I thought.

Yet, I found out that I was actually okay after losing my kitty, a bunch of good friends, and my mom in such a short time. Through my meditation and Dharma, I was able to feel the sorrows deeply and at the same time acknowledge the joy of living that were present in my life. It is in gratitude that I get to embrace the impermanence: coming and going of everything including the beloved beings in my life. And so it goes…

I’m grateful that living in this kind of community is showing me the importance of belonging. Certainly, there are communities I’ve belonged to as I lived in the city. Yet the nature of the communities are different. I have spiritual communities, professional communities, and social communities that maintain a common thread yet were not necessarily formed around the geographical factors whereas this community is literally nestled in the forest.

My imagination was activated thinking about the indigenous people living in this seemingly desolate land with thriving culture. The more I learn more about regenerative life practice, the more fascinated I am by the wisdom the indigenous people had amassed from being tuned in to the nature that surrounded them. They knew how to live with the nature in harmony.

As I meet this Ohigan this year, it is particularly poignant because it will be a year next Thursday since my mother passed away. It was a long journey for her to finally cross over to the other side. Having had to navigate the complications of being able to visit her in the hospital and cleaning out her apartment by myself in a short period also felt like a long journey for me. And my mother’s ashes have not been returned from the medical research group where she donated her body. It may take another year based on what they said when they picked her up, which extends the last leg of her journey until she settles in a graves site.

This realization about my grandfather is almost confirming my suspicion this “regenerative practice” I’m trying to cultivate as I develop my real estate business around is to go back to learn from the way we, humans, lived before. I’m learning about terms and concepts like permaculture, biophilia, and biomimicry. For thousands of years humans co-existed with the nature in reciprocity, which we slowly lost in the age of industrialization and technology. It’s not that we have to go into the jungle or desert to live like cavemen again, but to re-learn how to coexist with our environment in a reciprocal manner feels like the right thing to do.

And let me be the one to confess I am far from being a regenerative practitioner despite my intention and desire to live consciously. I still use fossil fuel to heat my house, dry my clothes and cook. I buy food in plastic packages and use products in plastic containers. I am desperately trying to compost so I can divert my food waste from methane producing landfill but not quite succeeding yet. It pains me that these actions I take are certainly contributing to everything that’s challenging us globally.

While this gathering is exciting, I’m honestly a bit nervous about leaving the kitties behind for the period. We have a kind neighbor, who’s very much happy to take care of them for us. Based on the personalities so far, I think they’ll warm up to her easily. But you know… I guess it’s more of my selfish concern that they may forget about me after having bonded! Well, I just have to trust they would do fine without me and remember me when I return

We had a blessing of a little more rain last week. The current climate condition tends to bring some intense downpour in a short time. The last one probably lasted less than an hour and still created some minor flush flood in our neighborhood. Yet for this extremely thirsty earth around here, it is so refreshing to be wet.

I realized it was desperately missing this energy in my life. It feels so good to be tuned into these beings, who were so new to life and vulnerable, to be able to bond with them to provide safety and comfort. I guess it is the maternal instinct. I find myself spending the evenings fully engaged with them rather than engaged with my computer screen.