Thoughts

As I’ve been writing about my journey through shadow work, gooey mess feels like the perfect description of what I’m experiencing. So I’m trusting that I, too, am in the process of reorganizing into a butterfly. Though I’m not quite there yet, as both teachers reminded us about impermanence, I know I’m evolving and growing — just like everyone else. And growing older is inevitable.

Lately, I’ve also been thinking about the fragility of it all. A few friends are battling cancer right now, and their journeys remind me how precious and unpredictable life is. It makes me profoundly grateful — for my own health, for my husband’s, for the simple gift of waking up each morning with a body that allows me to move, learn, and create. But gratitude doesn’t erase the questions: What comes next? Where do we go from here?

I must confess—I’m terrified. This next step requires me to fully step out. The past couple of years have been a deep, internal journey, forcing me to confront the things that held me back. But I’ve reached a point where I can’t ignore the pull to take bold action and actualize my vision.

In many ways, this timing couldn’t be better. While I’m not actively working in the business, I’m immersing myself in the knowledge and skills that will shape what’s ahead.

As I step into this new season — both in nature and in my life — I am reminded that renewal is always possible. While the world’s uncertainties remain, I choose to focus on what I can control: how I live each day, the dreams I continue to nurture, and the wisdom I gain along the way. Life may feel fleeting, but it is also expansive when I stay present, listen deeply, and follow the quiet call of my inner voice. And so, with gratitude and trust, I move forward — embracing the journey, one step at a time.

As life unfolds, I often say, “I believe in Divine Timing.” The little seeds I’ve sown, mixed with the richness of life’s compost, are beginning to sprout. I don’t yet know when the new season will arrive or how it will manifest in the material world — but that, too, is something to look forward to.

Despite my transition into real estate, my artistic side has never faded. Over the past few years, I’ve been fortunate to have several group and solo exhibitions, though I haven’t been as creatively productive as I’d like. Lately, however, I feel a renewed pull toward artistic expression, especially in these uncertain times. Just in the past couple of weeks, I attended an art party where I got to paint (so much fun!) and collaborated with a client on an interior photo shoot — both experiences reigniting my creative spirit.

Currently, I remain engaged in the realm of sustainable, regenerative, and resilient home building and development. Despite its challenges, being a part of this movement has been deeply fulfilling. I anticipate my role evolving further and trust that I’m on the right path. What’s essential, though, is to make sure I take time away for stillness and silence every so often. In the quiet moments, I find the clarity and strength to keep moving forward.

Storm

What a whirlwind this past month has been. The arrival of 2025 brought with it a storm of events and emotions. From various spiritual sources, there's a recurring message about chaos preceding a semblance of order or peace in our world—a notion I find resonant given my belief in Universal energy, currently swirling with intensity.

High wind came

Sparked a fire

became a monster

Engulfed the city of angels

Bushes burned

Trees burned

Homes burned

Markets burned

Stores burned

Schools burned

Churches burned

Everything burned

Acceptance has been on my mind because there are things in my life I’m struggling to accept — or, more honestly, things I wish were different. But I also understand that where I am now is the result of the decisions I’ve made along the way. While I wouldn’t say I’ve made any bad decisions, I sometimes think that if I knew then what I know now, I might have chosen differently. My journey hasn’t been extraordinary, but it may have been a little less traveled. I’ve tended to do things a bit differently, though I wonder: Did I act differently because I felt different, or did I feel different because I acted differently?

On a personal level, I have my own “Circle of Gratitude,” a group of friends with whom I exchange daily lists of things we’re grateful for. This practice started over a decade ago and has become a meaningful part of my daily ritual — though I do miss days now and then. Each day, I try to list 12 things I’m grateful for. Some days, it flows easily; other days, it’s a struggle. But the act of writing these lists is powerful. My friends share their lists with me too, and over the years, these exchanges have become a kind of diary, offering a glimpse into what was happening in my life at the time. Sometimes, friends comment, “It sounds like you’re doing great!” even when I’m facing challenges and had to dig deep to find my gratitude. But that’s the point, isn’t it?

For me 2024 turned out to be a tough year between a couple of unexpected emergencies (Saga of water heater and cat emergency) and my mental health breakdown. As a result, the business has definitely felt the consequence. Yet, I do trust all of this was meant to be. These times of low business have always pushed me to go out of my comfort zone to network further out of my usual circle and get creative. I’m currently exploring some interesting new paths both professionally and personally by following the cues from the Universe.

“Not knowing can mean that there’s something to learn in the situation. It can allow for disagreement without contracting the heart. And we be at ease with not knowing what the future will be. Not adding suffering now by projecting what the future will be, what it will hold. Maybe at this moment, things are okay.

It doesn’t mean we don’t take action, but it means that any action we take needs to rise out of wisdom instead of reactivity.”

As I look out the window, I see the blue sky and lots of trees. It is quite tranquil, yet I am very aware of the fragility of this life as I know it. That’s all the more reason for me to be mindful and present each moment with whatever comes including my own internal storms as I did this summer. Just as the Snowmaggedon didn’t break our community but got us on the path to resilience, my depression didn’t break me but made me more resilient. And there’s an abundant supply of blessings all around.

I have two little step-granddaughters. I don’t get to spend much time with them since they moved out of state a couple of years ago. But I want them to know when they’re a little older they are the big reasons I’m doing this work. And my mindfulness practice along with my continued soul searching help me ground myself while simultaneously learning to love myself more.

Our firewood for the season arrives tomorrow. This weekend, when I change my bed sheets, I’ll be putting on the flannel ones for the first time this year — a small ritual that always signals the real arrival of colder days. A friend told me she’s noticed the local squirrels gathering acorns more frantically than usual. She insists it’s a sure sign of a cold winter ahead.

I, too, began meditating when I learned my father was terminally ill. I had to find a way to sit with my emotions, to allow them room to breathe. Over 25 years later, I’m still discovering layers I didn’t know existed. Enlightenment may not be on my horizon, but I’m definitely on a path, feeling guided each step of the way.

Entering the forest,

I am interrupting the afternoon chatters of the winged ones.

I can only recognize rambunctious Steller’s Jays.

There are others that are familiar, but I don’t know who they are

Are they alarming each other of this two-legged arrival?

I am a frequent guest to this woods.

They must know me by now.

Forest beckons.

I couldn’t wait to get here.

In essence, what I’ve done in the last month is similar to what Simone Biles, the gold medal gymnast, did after the Tokyo Olympics three years ago. As someone put it, she allowed herself to fall apart in order to rebuild. I, too, had to reach a breaking point where I could barely function, experiencing profound emotional breakdowns, to give myself the time and space to gradually find my way back. I had to be brutally honest with myself about what parts of my life were depleting me and what parts were nourishing. I’m still on this journey, but I’m happy to say I’m feeling more grounded, clearer about my path, and more at ease today.