Thoughts

While I’m so grateful to have had neighbors’ in the community with power provided shelter for us when it got very cold in the house at night, this was a hard reality that many of us faced. It is a test of resiliency, not only for us in this community but everywhere else. I was delighted to see how there were so many angels in the community who were more than willing to help those who were in need, which is a big part of resiliency factor. Many households in L.A. have been out of power from this storm, and we’ve seen so many other cities across the country lost power for days on end, some are in much more frigid cold climate.

One of my cats is sitting on my lap.  This one is Zoey, the girl.  Her brother, Benji is curled up on my husband, Kenny’s lap as well.  These kittens we adopted last summer are growing up fast.  They are about 10-months old now and both weigh almost 10 lbs! They are the second set of kitties Kenny and I have together.  Kenny, who was never really a “cat person,” is enamored with these two cats because they are exceptionally sweet. 

Despite the temperature drop before the snow on the weekend, we managed to get out to our favorite trail to take in the fresh air, the blue sky, and hear the wind. Anyone can attest, especially after having gone through the pandemic (can’t believe it’s been 3 years!), that being in the nature is good for us. I’ve learned personally the benefit of being amongst the trees and bushes, the birds, all other critters who call these forests home. Now I’m learning how to reciprocate as a human who live among them. How can I be a better steward to the place I call home? How can I care better? As I watch the snow clouds roll in in the field, I’m contemplating on the work in front of me. How can I help? What does the Earth needing us, human species, to do?

I do find these practices to be meaningful.  The ancient people somehow knew how to honor the passage of time.  When we live in a world driven by material and sensual pursuit, it’s comforting to know these rituals are still practiced everywhere.  I’m inspired by how the celestial movements of time provided so much wisdom way before science came along.  And it feels almost luxury or privilege to be able to integrate such fundamental ways of life into our modern living. 

Just like my meditation practice has been a little uncertain (as I wrote about last week), all aspects of life sometimes get a bit, well, “uncertain” despite my well-intended effort.  Sometimes I feel confused about what I’m doing – in business and in personal life – and I lose confidence.  When Buddha was meditating before he reached his Nirvana, he was fraught with desires, aversions, sluggishness, restlessness, and most significantly doubt.  It is said that he reached his down to touch the earth to ground himself, and that’s when he was enlightened. 

Fast forward to 2023, I must admit I’ve felt like I’ve been in an impasse with my practice for the last few years. I realized there was so much more to Buddhism than Vipassana. Having grown up in a Buddhist country, I was aware of other Buddhist denominations, especially the Soto and Rinzai Zen, although never practiced. I have quite a few friends who practice Zen, ad many of my teachers were originally trained in Zen tradition. I’ve also met people who has been practicing Shin Buddhism (mainly brought to the West by Asian immigrants) and deeply involved in the communities.

It’s already half-way through January of this new year, 2023. I have been rather sensitive to what happens in the beginning of the year as I always believed that what happens during “Oshogatsu (the first three days of January, which are official holidais in Japan)” pretty much predicts what happens for the rest of the year. Surely there’s some truth to it, especially with intention setting, but not necessarily the “new year’s resolution.”

I must admit, though, it’s been really hard to motivate myself to work.  As the new year began and the world has already started churning, I have a list of things I want to get done, people to contact, and things to organize.  Of course, I’ve prepared my action plan for 2023 with my “goals” for the year.  And I find myself staring at my action plan and feeling lost as to where to begin.  It’s not that I’ve been lounging around with my cats, but I feel almost lethargic when it’s gloomy and cold outside.  I would rather sit by the fire and read a book or something. 

Besides, who knows what’s coming in the new year.  We all wish the new year is better than the ones we just lived in the last few while there’s still much uncertainty in the world as well as in my own life.  Whatever comes, I want to be ready and available so that I am living my life fully through trials and tribulations AND joy and excitements with equanimity.

Also I would like to let go of the beliefs that lead to certain habits or behavioral patterns that are unwholesome. What would help my body to feel more healthy and vibrant? What would help me feel more emotionally spacious and loving? I would like to let go of whatever that hinders me from experiencing a deeper sense of myself. Yes, a deeper sense of who I am. Thus the sacred pause so I can get in touch with the Source, the Higher Power, the Spirit…

This is the third winter living in the mountains.  While I do really love being in the forest all the time, I am often reminded that I have been an urban dweller pretty much my entire life.  Everything I love about living here can also be inconvenience for city slickers.   We don’t have any major brand stores, not even a Starbucks.  There’s no traffic light.  I was so used to being able to get to any store if I needed something, go to movies or meet up with friends last minutes.  But from here the closest Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods are an hour away.  So is a hospital.   

I used to go to a silent meditation retreat at the end of the year between Christmas and New Year. Only through sitting in silence for an extended time I could clear my mind space. As the year-end retreat is no longer offered by my teacher, it is up to me to carve out some time for reflection: What were my goals, desires, and dreams I was able to realize? What were things that I didn’t quite accomplish? Wha

Then I had an idea. I asked a friend who came to see my photos who happened to be a musician if he’d play music outside the gallery not so much to “perform” but to hang out and play. Sure enough, people would hear the music and started noticing the gallery while we were just having fun making noise. We decided to do it again on Sunday, which was the very last day of my show and invited some other friends who played instruments to join. The rest was magic. I love being around musicians when they’re randomly jamming. It was an almost spontaneous gathering of friends just having fun in the community. In the end, we had as many people walk into the gallery as we did for the opening reception.

Despite the history, I can say, as an immigrant, I am grateful for what this country has given me. I have attained an “American Dream,” a rich life filled with adventures, opportunities, and deep connections with people from literally all over the world as well as the vast nature this enormous continent embraces.

I noticed the word, “Ikigai” (生き甲斐) is mentioned often in English lately, mostly in the context of motivational, psychological or spiritual discussions. It is a recent adaptation of a Japanese word like many other Japanese words that became well part of spoken English like sushi, futon, karaoke, emoji, etc. I love the word, “ikigai” and I’ve always appreciated its meaning. I would interpret as, “something meaningful to live for.”

So I decided I was going to cook a special dinner this time. It was my “special” beef stew cooked all day in a crockpot. I know I’ve cooked this before for his birthdays or some other “special occasions.” As I went shopping a few days prior to get the ingredients, a thought arose that may be beef stew isn’t necessarily special for my husband. Then I realized this dish was very special in the context of my childhood memory .

In a way, this is how I’ve traversed my life. I didn’t follow a typical trajectory academically or professionally. I admit every once in a while I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life earlier on and followed a plan accordingly like some people do. But then, I don’t have regret about the meandering paths I’ve taken as I feel like that’s how rich my life has turned out to be. All the twists and turns like those mountain roads I used to drive with my father led me to where I am today, and I’m blessed with such cornucopia of interesting experiences and people in my life. And I feel like I’m still meandering through life as my curiosity leads my way.

What I am keenly aware of other than the change of seasons as I live through these seasons in the mountains is the state of nature. I hear it’s going to be another fairly dry winter on the West. It’s the 3rd year of this severe drought, and we’re living with restriction of water usage in California. When we’re living in the city, though, it’s not in our face that many species of plants, hence other species such as birds and animals, are suffering, too, from not enough water while up here we see increasing number of trees turning brown and eventually falling down or being cut down.

Since then, I’ve attempted to grow basils on my balcony with mixed results. I’ve grown some microgreen on my kitchen window. Yet my latest attempt at growing thing has got me composting. We had been taking our food scrap to the compost bins at the community garden even though I no longer have a box. And we cannot keep outdoor composters around the house unless I can build some kind of fencing to protect from the wildlife. So I decided to try the indoor composting kit that comes with bags of bran called, Bokashi. These powders breaks down the food scrap and make compost in the bucket while sitting in the dark spot in the house, which is much easier than typical composting, or so I thought.

Yet, I found out that I was actually okay after losing my kitty, a bunch of good friends, and my mom in such a short time. Through my meditation and Dharma, I was able to feel the sorrows deeply and at the same time acknowledge the joy of living that were present in my life. It is in gratitude that I get to embrace the impermanence: coming and going of everything including the beloved beings in my life. And so it goes…