Thoughts

It is heartbreaking to lose a beloved. I didn’t know if I could endure this again.

But my Dharma mentor, Diana, was right. I think my practice prepared me well. I was able to face it albeit lots of tears. I can allow loving kindness to ease my tender heart. I am o.k.

Even though this was much anticipated – unlike her brother’s sudden death three and a half years ago - and I tried to make her last days as best as I could for her, it is still excruciating. After all, she was with me for well over 17 years, which is a chunk of time in anyone’s lifetime. As any loss would do, she leaves a gaping hole. As I spend my first day without a kitty in a daze, I find myself going back to read the messages I’m receiving by text and on my FaceBook post. I’ve been noticing many of friends have lost their pets recently, and such personal posts seem to prompt tons of sympathetic messages, which gives me much solace.

In this whirlwind of our life in 2020, I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling rather ungrounded. I’m fortunate that I get to set my feet on dirt and walk amongst the trees practically every day to help feeling more grounded. Even though “control” is an illusion anyway, there seem to be so many elements in my life I don’t have control over that can cause so much anxiety if I let them. The only thing I have control over is my own mind. Noticing how everything is changing moment by moment – demonstrated most clearly by the seasons, I can either try to hold on to some ideas and perspectives, or simply let go and go with the flow.

I rarely have trouble falling asleep at night. As I lay down in bed, I’m usually conked out within a few minutes. But last night I didn’t. May be because I watched the debate, I was restless. I laid in bed wide awake for a couple of hours wondering where my kitty was. She went to the bathroom as I was getting in bed, and I was expecting her to hop right back on the bed next to me as she usually does. I crawled out of bed and checked underneath, and there she was. It’s a sign she’s not feeling well when she’s under the bed like that.

Back in 2007, a fire started around the Pyramid Lake along Interstate-5 on Labor Day, hence named Day Fire, and continued to burn for 6 weeks. Initially, the fire was moving west and it was far enough from our mountains and there was no threat. By the 5th week, the wind shifted and it started to move north towards our mountains threatening to burn the sacred land of the Chumash, and by the 6th weeks mandatory evacuation was ordered throughout our community. It was then that the firefighters met with the Chumash leaders. Ironically, the captain of the firefighting crew happened to be Capt. Custer, remote descendant of Gen. Custer.

As we live through this unfathomable level of crisis in many fronts of our lives, I actually got caught in my own chain of th­oughts that took me down into despair over the weekend. With so much destruction and losses all around, I felt hopeless and helpless. I must say it was dark down there. Luckily, I received text messages from a couple of friends on the East Coast checking in for my safety because of the fires. When I responded with my current state of my mind, they reminded me of the spiritual path I travel on and the strength the journey provides me. I also got to talk to my Dharma mentor, Diana, who gave me the assurance we will live through this time no matter how hard things may get.

Sometimes I doubt myself that I couldn’t survive all these “fires” in my life. Yet, I’m reminded of the story how Buddha reached his ultimate enlightenment after being taken over by doubt. No matter how uncomfortable, I have to remind myself that I have the innate ability to weather the storms if I can trust it. The practice is the refuge from these fires all around, and I am so grateful.

Once I can become aware of what I am thinking about and how such thoughts are affecting my mood, attitude, and my body, etc., I am able to make a choice to let go of those thoughts, especially when what I’m thinking about is fear or desire based. But gosh, it is so easy to go down the rabbit hole with some obsessive thinking! As Gil teaches (or I should say how Buddha taught), if the thoughts are not wholesome or skillful, it’s a good idea to let go. O.K.

With each breath we take the time is going by whether we mean to or not. As I experience occasional anxiety and mild depression when I get into the worries, learning to use the breath as an anchor not only in my meditation but anytime I’m awake has been a significant help. When I’m scared or stressed, I often find myself holding my breath. As long as I can notice that, I can resume breathing, one breath at a time.

On top of my mom’s situation, my beloved kitty, Nicola, seems to have entered her last leg lately. It is still not quite eminent, but she’s steadily declining. After all she’s 17-years old with both kidney disease and hyperthyroidism, both of which are very common with older cats (and probably dogs). I’m bracing myself for the anticipated loss. It brings me right back to when her brother, Riley, passed away unexpectedly and how devastated I was. I’ve had some moments in the last week or so when I was taken over by the anticipatory grief, potentially from two losses. I don’t know if I can endure the heartbreak.

We went for a hike at Cerro Noroeste last weekend. It is another peak in Los Padres National Forest where we now live. As we walked around the edges of the campground, which is at the summit of this mountain, I couldn’t help but noticing those incredibly contorted yet powerfully sturdy pine trees. I was quite awe-struck that these trees have been standing there withstanding the fierce wind for years and years while their trunks are being blown about. They get stronger enduring the severe challenges that the Mother Nature presents.

We’ve all been learning to live with this new normal for the last 4+ months with the pandemic. Yet, it still boggles my mind to face the reality of our life like this. How did this happen? I have a hard time to reconcile with the fact that we cannot travel as we wish. I would have never imagined that I could not go back to my homeland when I wanted and/or needed to. It was the privilege I took for granted. The freedom we all took advantage of in our life is now restricted.

As Buddha said, there are 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. The wind is shifting all the time. After a memorable celebration of my birthday, this new tough situation emerged. It’s like this. Life is always presenting different experiences. As I read in the first page in a book by Ajahn Sumedhos that a friend sent me for my birthday, “Awareness is your refuge.” I notice the shifting feelings and moods as I ponder on this new situation. It’s like this.

What’s not memorable about 2020!? The year is already half-way through, and it’s been nothing but memorable, hasn’t it? It was supposed to be memorable because of the Tokyo Olympic, which was scheduled to start this Friday. It was supposed to be memorable for the Presidential Election in the U.S. Yet, as it turns out, it is memorable in every little ways of our life.

As we continue to face this very unsettling time, I’m reflecting on how I would spend the last third of my life. What kind of contribution would I be able to offer so I will know that I l will leave this home we call the Earth better than how I found it 60 years ago. That’s a big question. Is teaching Dharma my calling? Is promoting green building in residential realm my passion? How about making pictures and writing? These are the things I’m considering, yet I’m actually uncertain what my “life purpose” would look like for the next 30 or more years. True, I don’t have to know – just like I didn’t when I got to America and how much I have been able to do for “good causes.”

As I opened a photo exhibit (first in a few years!) in the local community gallery last weekend, I really wanted to invite people from the city to see my show. I thought that would make a perfect opportunity for y’all to come check out this community and the surrounding nature. We will still have a “(COVID-19 Responsible) Meet-the-Artists Reception” at the gallery with limited entrance and social distance on Saturday, July 11th. Yet, as we watch the news everyday (while I try to limit my exposure to news only to headlines), things seem to be more uncertain every day. As difficult and frustrating as it may be, we just have to stay flexible and open to ever-changing world conditions today.

The movement for Black Lives Matter also added a whole new layer for the pain we were already experiencing. My community at InsightLA, too, is experiencing some needs to deeply reflect in order to move forward as a healthy Dharma community. For now, I am called to do a lot of reflection on what motivates me to practice and to be a teacher, and what it means to be an Asian immigrant in this country. I can only continue to practice as I always have for the last 20 plus years trusting the right path is being revealed on a day to day basis.

Personally, there’s been significant changes internally for me as well. As we live through this now feel like the “new normal” way of living, I’ve let go of some of expectations for myself and others, probably more for myself. How this manifested was that I decided to move my real estate license from Douglas Elliman to a relatively new but powerfully forward thinking company called, eXp realty, who is completely cloud-based. They do everything on virtual space, no brick and mortar office anywhere. Without details, it was just better fit for my current life situation and my aspirations. The truth is that I don’t know how things will unfold in my life or in the world. I can only set my intention to always do the right thing and hope that I get to be a part of a positive change as a whole.

We are in the midst of 3 major crisis in this country:  Health, economy and justice.  Last week I reposted an Instagram post that said something to the effect of  “privilege is when you don’t think it’s a problem because it doesn’t affect you.”  Well, I am fully aware of the crisis and the problems we have; however, I am also of the privileges I live with.  I am able to stay healthy; I am well sheltered and well fed; and most of all, I am certainly not experiencing any systematic injustice in my life.