Thoughts

With each breath we take the time is going by whether we mean to or not. As I experience occasional anxiety and mild depression when I get into the worries, learning to use the breath as an anchor not only in my meditation but anytime I’m awake has been a significant help. When I’m scared or stressed, I often find myself holding my breath. As long as I can notice that, I can resume breathing, one breath at a time.

On top of my mom’s situation, my beloved kitty, Nicola, seems to have entered her last leg lately. It is still not quite eminent, but she’s steadily declining. After all she’s 17-years old with both kidney disease and hyperthyroidism, both of which are very common with older cats (and probably dogs). I’m bracing myself for the anticipated loss. It brings me right back to when her brother, Riley, passed away unexpectedly and how devastated I was. I’ve had some moments in the last week or so when I was taken over by the anticipatory grief, potentially from two losses. I don’t know if I can endure the heartbreak.

We went for a hike at Cerro Noroeste last weekend. It is another peak in Los Padres National Forest where we now live. As we walked around the edges of the campground, which is at the summit of this mountain, I couldn’t help but noticing those incredibly contorted yet powerfully sturdy pine trees. I was quite awe-struck that these trees have been standing there withstanding the fierce wind for years and years while their trunks are being blown about. They get stronger enduring the severe challenges that the Mother Nature presents.

We’ve all been learning to live with this new normal for the last 4+ months with the pandemic. Yet, it still boggles my mind to face the reality of our life like this. How did this happen? I have a hard time to reconcile with the fact that we cannot travel as we wish. I would have never imagined that I could not go back to my homeland when I wanted and/or needed to. It was the privilege I took for granted. The freedom we all took advantage of in our life is now restricted.

As Buddha said, there are 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. The wind is shifting all the time. After a memorable celebration of my birthday, this new tough situation emerged. It’s like this. Life is always presenting different experiences. As I read in the first page in a book by Ajahn Sumedhos that a friend sent me for my birthday, “Awareness is your refuge.” I notice the shifting feelings and moods as I ponder on this new situation. It’s like this.

What’s not memorable about 2020!? The year is already half-way through, and it’s been nothing but memorable, hasn’t it? It was supposed to be memorable because of the Tokyo Olympic, which was scheduled to start this Friday. It was supposed to be memorable for the Presidential Election in the U.S. Yet, as it turns out, it is memorable in every little ways of our life.

As we continue to face this very unsettling time, I’m reflecting on how I would spend the last third of my life. What kind of contribution would I be able to offer so I will know that I l will leave this home we call the Earth better than how I found it 60 years ago. That’s a big question. Is teaching Dharma my calling? Is promoting green building in residential realm my passion? How about making pictures and writing? These are the things I’m considering, yet I’m actually uncertain what my “life purpose” would look like for the next 30 or more years. True, I don’t have to know – just like I didn’t when I got to America and how much I have been able to do for “good causes.”

As I opened a photo exhibit (first in a few years!) in the local community gallery last weekend, I really wanted to invite people from the city to see my show. I thought that would make a perfect opportunity for y’all to come check out this community and the surrounding nature. We will still have a “(COVID-19 Responsible) Meet-the-Artists Reception” at the gallery with limited entrance and social distance on Saturday, July 11th. Yet, as we watch the news everyday (while I try to limit my exposure to news only to headlines), things seem to be more uncertain every day. As difficult and frustrating as it may be, we just have to stay flexible and open to ever-changing world conditions today.

The movement for Black Lives Matter also added a whole new layer for the pain we were already experiencing. My community at InsightLA, too, is experiencing some needs to deeply reflect in order to move forward as a healthy Dharma community. For now, I am called to do a lot of reflection on what motivates me to practice and to be a teacher, and what it means to be an Asian immigrant in this country. I can only continue to practice as I always have for the last 20 plus years trusting the right path is being revealed on a day to day basis.

Personally, there’s been significant changes internally for me as well. As we live through this now feel like the “new normal” way of living, I’ve let go of some of expectations for myself and others, probably more for myself. How this manifested was that I decided to move my real estate license from Douglas Elliman to a relatively new but powerfully forward thinking company called, eXp realty, who is completely cloud-based. They do everything on virtual space, no brick and mortar office anywhere. Without details, it was just better fit for my current life situation and my aspirations. The truth is that I don’t know how things will unfold in my life or in the world. I can only set my intention to always do the right thing and hope that I get to be a part of a positive change as a whole.

We are in the midst of 3 major crisis in this country:  Health, economy and justice.  Last week I reposted an Instagram post that said something to the effect of  “privilege is when you don’t think it’s a problem because it doesn’t affect you.”  Well, I am fully aware of the crisis and the problems we have; however, I am also of the privileges I live with.  I am able to stay healthy; I am well sheltered and well fed; and most of all, I am certainly not experiencing any systematic injustice in my life. 

I am a person of color and an immigrant, and I’ve lived on the Westside of Los Angeles with fair amount of privileges for well over 30 years. Unlike the Japanese-Americans who lived through the World War II in the U.S., I have never experienced any institutional discrimination. If anything, I’ve been subjected to some ignorant stereotyping comments about Asian women, which can be offensive. No matter how much inclusivity training and books I’ve been through as a part of the teacher community at InsightLA and Spirit Rock, I can’t say I fully understand the depth and complexity of this problem in our country and the world. I just know the anger that erupted this week is not just the pent up energy from being stuck indoor for the last 2 months but pain, anger and resentment that built up over so many decades.

We keep hearing the word, “unprecedented” – and we just have to live each of these unprecedented days with a sense of awe. Honestly, I feel powerless over how our life will be in the coming months. Everybody is trying to figure out how it’s going to look like; how we are going to do whatever we think we will be doing. But really, nobody knows. I can only take one day at a time to take care of myself, my family, my friends to the best of my ability, trying to be of service wherever I can. And if I have one person attending my sitting group to sit with me, I feel like I did something.

While I was enjoying the lilacs in bloom up in the mountains, the jacaranda was coming out without my witness. I’ve always persisted to say there are seasons in Southern California when I hear people say, “there’s no season here.” When you’re in tune with the different vegetations, fruits you can buy at the market, and other natural phenomena, you can always appreciate the shifting seasons. I’m actually grateful that my parents instilled in me the appreciations for things like that.

Now that I’ve been writing about my mountain life every week (because that’s basically all I have to talk about!), people have been asking me about this “mountains.” Most people know Big Bear or Arrowhead, and of course, Mammoth. This is a community called, “Pine Mountain Club,” which is located about 80 miles north of Los Angeles, in Los Padres National Forest also called Frazier Mountains. 

London is about to turn 2-years old in a couple of weeks, and we know there won’t be a birthday party this year. Besides we haven’t really spent too much time with her since she came along other than our occasional visits that usually lasts may be an hour or two. So this was a delightful opportunity to be with her. And oh, what a bundle of joy she was! She’s definitely at an age between being a baby and a little human (I guess you call that a toddler!) when she’s independently mobile and learning to communicate with words but she’s still not able to formulate them clearly, which makes it unbearably adorable. It was my dream come true to take her to my beloved woods to walk the trails and show her all the big big trees. For three days, we got to play with this little being as our heart cracked so wide open.

So my intention was to have a little retreat for myself at home. I had created a schedule for Friday afternoon through Tuesday morning with some time for Dharma talks, mindful movement, and walking meditation in addition to the sitting periods. I didn’t think it was going to be easy while living with a husband, but the point was to be able to have a quiet time to meditate several times throughout the day for minimum of 45 minutes at a time. In that sense, I did get the pause I wanted.

It’s been 3 weeks since we were back in the Westside. On one hand, it still feels like my neighborhood, and on the other, it feels definitely so much more noisy and congested even with this “stay home” quarantine. As much as I miss the convenience of being able to walk to the grocery stores, restaurants, bus stops, etc., again I am so incredibly grateful that I now get to walk to the post office through the woods.

We’re almost a month into this extraordinary time in history of coronavirus pandemic. What a wild ride it has been to navigate this constantly changing world around us! Needless to say, it’s been quite a journey for me and my husband to have to move in the middle of this intense period when we could not get much help from others except for a few angels that came our way unexpectedly. Now that I’ve “settled in” my mountain house that we call our “home,” I’m blown away everyday with gratitude for this unexpected “fate” to be quarantined here.