Thoughts

For me, especially because of where I am today, living it up means facing reality, embracing it, and enduring whatever I need to without avoiding or ignoring it. Whatever I’m experiencing is a necessary process for healing the unhealed parts of myself. It is painful and uncomfortable, but all the extreme emotions I’m experiencing have been stored in my body and soul for a long long time and apparently are now ready to be felt so I can release them.

Today, I want to make a confession. I have been struggling with depression for quite some time. A therapist once told me that I’ve always had an undercurrent of depression throughout most of my life. It has never become debilitating, nor has it required long-term medication, except for a few months after I lost a cat more than 20 years ago. Although there have been moments when my depressive state of mind has slowed me down, I’ve always managed to cope well enough to make it through.

What happened next is story-worthy. Making a long story short, the fire-fighting crew recognized they’d have to bulldoze the sacred ground of the Chumash tribe (they considered Mt. Pinos to be the center of the world) and called in the elders to get their consent. After having a counsel of their own, the elders granted their consent for the fire fighters to do what’s required to save the mountain community and performed a ceremony to bless the effort. Within hours the clouds came and started raining, and the Day Fire was contained shortly after. They didn’t have to bulldoze our mountains after all. I always get chills when I tell this story!

My visit to InsightLA last Sunday was a powerful reminder of the ever-changing nature of life and the importance of embracing impermanence. Although my relationship with the community has transformed over the years, the sense of connection and the lessons learned remain profoundly impactful. Being back in that familiar space, I was able to fully appreciate the teachings on clinging and suffering, recognizing the subtle ways in which change has shaped my own journey. This experience reinforced the importance of mindfulness and the practice of letting go, not just as a philosophical concept but as a lived experience that continually shapes our path towards liberation and inner peace.

But even as I lose myself in the delights of summer, I can’t help but be mindful of its fleeting nature. The sun’s gentle embrace, the laughter that fills the air, the sheer joy of swimming a mile — they’re all fleeting moments, here one instant and gone the next. And yet, it’s precisely this impermanence that lends them their magic, reminding me to cherish each experience fully and embrace the transient beauty of life with gratitude and grace.

At the same time I have people in my life who have experienced losses lately.  Whether a family member, friend, and/or pet.  In fact, one of the kitties I have been sitting every once in a while for the last few years in the city passed away while I was staying with them.  Callie was a sweet calico.  When I saw her and touched her emaciated body, I knew her end was near.  She chose to go while her human parents were gone on vacation, but I’m glad I was in the house having given some loving attention the day before.

As I have been writing, I’ve been feeling rather stressed and finding myself quite antsy. In Buddhist language, this is certainly considered, “Duhkha” (suffering, discontentment, dissatisfaction.” In the teachings of Buddha, the inevitability of suffering is a foundational truth. Life, by its very nature, is accompanied by moments of pain, disappointment, and hardship. From minor inconveniences to profound loss, suffering manifests in myriad forms, touching every individual in some way. Bottomline: “Shit happens.” And I’m aware that the level of “shit” I’m feeling is largely making of my own obsessive thinking.

I had been working non-stop for days, and it was the weekend my husband went to his mens’ retreat. I desperately needed to spend time alone and do something to get recharged. I don’t remember when a term, “forest bathing” started. Even the original word, “Shinrin-yoku (森林浴）in Japanese wasn’t around when I lived there. I’ve read in recent years that forest bathing is scientifically proven to have positive effects on our health, which I’m sure those of us nature lovers know instinctively.

Lately, I've been experiencing more anxiety than usual, which is quite out of character for me. It's frustrating because I can't pinpoint exactly what's triggering it. It feels like there's a constant stream of stressors in both my personal life and on a global scale. For that matter, it could be just that pesky Mercury in retrograde!

I wonder what Buddha would say to 21st Century human beings. Teaching of “wise effort” says to “not make things worse;” and make things better. Is my life better if I keep up with technologies? It’s obviously up to individual assessment, and I’ve chosen to have certain technologies to help certain aspects of my life. As I reflect on the intertwined nature of technology and my life, I find solace in the wisdom of “wise effort,” pondering whether my pursuit of technological advancements truly enhances my existence or merely adds to the clutter of modern living. Food for thought…

Anything we feel any affinity towards becomes attachment, and letting go would cause some pain in our heart.  Even though I am not devastated about losing the aspen trees, I did notice the sadness I felt of letting them go.  It was just a reminder of one of the five remembrances that anything and anybody who we love and care about will eventually go away.    

When I get like that, it’s a clear sign of stress. It’s time to pause and take a deep breath, take out the tool kit of mindful self-compassion, and sign out my tension in the body and feel the feelings that I haven’t allowed myself to feel. The good news is to know we could survive and this, too, shall pass.

Just as the plum blossom buds must endure the chill of another storm, so too must we weather the unexpected events that life presents. Especially because I’m feeling exhausted from a couple of stressful weeks of emergencies and activities, I must remind myself to call for quiet confidence — a faith that spring will certainly arrive before I know it, and life will keep unfolding.

Needless to say, I feel quite overwhelmed dealing with these challenges. In the grand scheme of things, they’re just life happening. My life isn’t falling apart even if it does bring some fear up in my consciousness. Again, I have to remember this, too, shall pass one way or the other. Gotta keep going back to gratitude for all that I do have today.

Mind is supposed to think. So there’s nothing wrong with thinking in meditation. By being aware of our thinking process, hopefully we reach a point where we get some clear insights. Some thoughts are quite compelling and capable of engulfing my mind during the meditation. Then there’s a moment I realize that I’m “engaging” in whatever the topic that’s actively participating in my mind, there’s a momentary “emptiness.” If I don’t react to my own thoughts and allow them to just take their course of thinking process — kind of like letting the flu bug work itself through our physical body — I find that there’s often a sense of relief: “Thank God, I don’t have to think about this right now!”

Sometimes I forget about the “life” and get so preoccupied with whatever the situations and circumstances that are presenting themselves to me whether it’s the work, relationships, health or whatever, for which I may be in illusion of having control. Yet there’s a way in which life happens under the perfect conditions between cause and effect like these organisms growing and dying even when nobody’s looking.

One afternoon in the meditation hall where about 40 or so of us sat as we did several times a day, the stillness and silence were so exquisite. Then it started raining outside gently.  While I was sheltered indoors, it felt like my soul was being cleansed as the sound of the rain crescendoed and just as gently faded away.  Whatever was hindering me from trusting completely in the process and whatever was making me feel attached were washed away in those moments.  Dharma teaches us the truth about life; how we all have some sort of dissatisfaction in life that causes some kinds of pains yet nothing stays the same. Everything is constantly evolving.  And for the most part we don’t have control other than how we deal with what happens. 

When the clouds are hanging over for an extended period, it’s tough to believe the sun will come out eventually. There might be rain, snow, or storms before the sun returns. Change is inevitable, for better or worse, and things keep evolving. Despite feeling like I’m not always giving my best effort, my 20+ years of practice have helped me through ups and downs. Learning to be present moment by moment is challenging but allows me to appreciate occasional showers and even storms, knowing each experience makes me stronger and wiser.

While we have some modicum of “disaster preparedness” here both personally and community-wide, the reality is that perfect preparedness is elusive.The recent earthquake in Japan serves as a poignant example, highlighting the challenges posed by nature’s ferocity, unforgiving weather conditions, and the vulnerability of even well-prepared regions.

During times like this, we like having friends over for no particular reason than just to hang out and be cozy by the fire, sharing food, watching movies, or just chatting. It reminds me of the Danish word, “hygge (hoo-ga).” It means “creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people.” (Source: visitdenmark.com) I’m sure there’s so many more layers to the word, but I love the feeling this concept evokes.