Thoughts

I’ve been aware how I would feel the sadness when I see heartful interactions between any mothers and their children. I had to accept that the card didn’t play out for me to be a mom other than for my kitties. However, acceptance itself would not necessarily alleviate the grief. I see that by allowing the grief to be present while being totally delighted by my grand daughters brings profound gratitude as well. I am a childless “Baba” and it’s so cool.

In Asian culture stemming from combination of Confucian, Buddhist and Taoist ethics, there’s a word called, “filial piety,” which means a virtue of respect for one’s parents, elders and ancestors. I know taking care of our aging parents are not at all unique to the Asian culture, yet there’s this unspoken expectation that weighs internally. I left home 40 years ago and established my life here in the U.S., which in itself could be considered, “unfaithful” to our parents perhaps a generation ago.

Honestly, I was irritated that my Sunday had to be spent in ER as I had some plans. And I was going right back to my life as usual the very next day. It wasn’t until friends who happened to be in communication with that day all told me to “take it easy” for a few days that I got the clue. It was such an obvious call to slow the heck down, yet I resisted it. I didn’t want my life to be interrupted as I have all the important things to get done! Obviously, I heeded again and have taken a pause since then.

Fast forward to 2021, I just realized last week this was my 40th year of living in America. I have spent two thirds of my life here at this point. I am an American, first generation Japanese American, I should say. When this hit me, I couldn’t help but to reflect on these 40 years of my life in this country. With all the problems and challenges we face as a country, I realize that I take this life for granted way too often. Even though I come from another rich, advanced and democratic country, America has given me so so much both tangible and intangible that I probably couldn't have had if I went back to Japan. Yes, I created this life myself, but really, it is this great America that took me in and allowed me to explore what’s possible. I don’t want to ever forget to be grateful for the life I get to have. Journey goes on. I remain curious…

As I hear many people are reflecting, it’s almost a year since we started to pay attention to the new virus that was starting to spread amongst us. Also, it was exactly a year ago today that I had a knock on my door in the afternoon with my landlord notifying us that she and her partner decided to move into the condo unit we were renting. At that point, I had no clue how things were going to unfold in the following month or so.

I fantasize a lifestyle where I live in a net-zero energy and carbon home, grow my own vegetables, only drive or ride no-emission vehicles, consume responsibly and fairly produced products. Trust me, I have been really trying to do my part by recycling as much as I can, driving an electric car, and even getting my house more energy efficient. But honestly, I am far from being perfectly “green.” I am mostly having a major difficulty to eliminate or even reduce plastic in my life.

It is a good time to stay home, make fire in the fireplace, make some hearty soup and read some books. While I sure hope I get to do some of that, it’s more like good time to catch up on all the work that has been backed up while I was running down to the city to tend the business. As I said many times before, I am so grateful to be up here and get to watch the weather, actually more like “experience” the weather day by day even while I’m working indoor. All I need is to step out of the front door and feel the cold wind and almost get swayed. Since I’m immersing myself in the study of eco-chaplaincy, I’m reminded how I am just a tiny part of this planet and how everything – both animate and inanimate as well as human civilization and nature - is interconnected.

Today, I started a new training course, “Buddhist Eco-Chaplaincy.” It is a program that combines 3 elements (Buddhism, Environmental issue, and Chaplaincy) that are important for me. Chaplaincy is something I’ve been interested for some time because I have missed the opportunities to be present for my family members as they transitioned, especially my father. As my mother is still holding on, it is my sincere hope that I will get to be with her when she passes, but current pandemic situation provides little comfort of knowing that can happen.

While the COVID-19 is sweeping through our lives (and yes, it’s getting closer and closer) and the politics is messy, I did allow some time to pause, reflect and envision for the new year nonetheless. Between the new administration and vaccines, it will still be a while before things may calm down, but I’m personally feeling hopeful that a lot of good things would come out of this major setback we’ve had in 2020. Many of the changes we had to make personally and collectively would likely become the way, and more changes would be made to adjust to them accordingly.

What I hope all the challenges 2020 did for us was a nudge to pause and reflect on our lives both individually and collectively. By the time we are able to do the things we haven’t been able to socially, I think the world will be changed in many ways, hopefully for the better over all. Human species is resilient and adaptable. It would behoove us to learn, grow and evolve for the betterment of humanity.

Who would have thought the world would be as it is today a year ago? It’s been exactly 9 months since we were told to stay home and everything stopped. Everything changed for everybody everywhere. And some things are changed forever in a way that we couldn’t have imagined. It pains my heart to know that this holiday season must be so difficult for so many, and these losses and sufferings will not end with the year.

There’s no doubt this year was an incredible year in so many ways for most of us. My life was no exception with a few unexpected twists, but overall I am so grateful that I am still healthy, safe and comfortable, and I know it wasn’t so for some people I know. As I reflect on this year, I am pondering what’s next. What’s next in the world in general? In the country? In my life? For sure some big changes are in the making.

When I was growing up in Japan, my father used to take us to an area in the mountains, Tanzawa, which was just about an hour and a half from the city where we lived. Even though my memories are faint, I can remember the different seasons I got to experience there. I’m grateful that my parents showed me to appreciate and connect with the nature. They would have appreciated this mountain that I now call home and the center of my world where I find solace in these time of uncertainty.

With much needed change of scenery for a few days, I’ve got to think about the “shift” I would like to make – mostly internally – to move forward with my dreams and goals. It would be a “shift” to believe that I can do the things I’ve been afraid of or unconfident about, a “shift” to know that I deserve to have my Vision realized. Well, Kamala has been addressing young girls that they can do anything with their life. Little does she know she’s also inspiring a 60-year old woman of color!

This concept of the world begins with me is not a new one but today I am taking it into my heart. It is my desire to see and understand the world with kind heart and act accordingly. I know I’m far from perfect, but that’s also part of the practice: to be kind to myself enough to not judge so much. At least I know I have that wisdom somewhere inside that I can tap into and hopefully able to access as much as I can.

It wasn’t until I came back up to the mountains that I finally paused. As my husband was staying in the city working, I came home alone to the mountain house where Nicola was no longer waiting for me. Once I settled back in the house I noticed loneliness arose and more tears came as I stared into the empty straw hut. I wondered if I subconsciously got busy so I didn’t have to feel this though I promptly decided it didn’t matter. I am trusting this process of grieving without judging myself. But pausing every once in a while to allow my feelings to remind me how much I miss that kitty is healing, and I’m sure Nicola agrees…

It is heartbreaking to lose a beloved. I didn’t know if I could endure this again.

But my Dharma mentor, Diana, was right. I think my practice prepared me well. I was able to face it albeit lots of tears. I can allow loving kindness to ease my tender heart. I am o.k.

Even though this was much anticipated – unlike her brother’s sudden death three and a half years ago - and I tried to make her last days as best as I could for her, it is still excruciating. After all, she was with me for well over 17 years, which is a chunk of time in anyone’s lifetime. As any loss would do, she leaves a gaping hole. As I spend my first day without a kitty in a daze, I find myself going back to read the messages I’m receiving by text and on my FaceBook post. I’ve been noticing many of friends have lost their pets recently, and such personal posts seem to prompt tons of sympathetic messages, which gives me much solace.

In this whirlwind of our life in 2020, I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling rather ungrounded. I’m fortunate that I get to set my feet on dirt and walk amongst the trees practically every day to help feeling more grounded. Even though “control” is an illusion anyway, there seem to be so many elements in my life I don’t have control over that can cause so much anxiety if I let them. The only thing I have control over is my own mind. Noticing how everything is changing moment by moment – demonstrated most clearly by the seasons, I can either try to hold on to some ideas and perspectives, or simply let go and go with the flow.

I rarely have trouble falling asleep at night. As I lay down in bed, I’m usually conked out within a few minutes. But last night I didn’t. May be because I watched the debate, I was restless. I laid in bed wide awake for a couple of hours wondering where my kitty was. She went to the bathroom as I was getting in bed, and I was expecting her to hop right back on the bed next to me as she usually does. I crawled out of bed and checked underneath, and there she was. It’s a sign she’s not feeling well when she’s under the bed like that.