Thoughts

The world is a different place in many ways today because of the pandemic that we just went through. Even though today we see so much suffering – heartbreaking suffering, I would like to believe that somehow the world is more interconnected in a way that can help us to be more conscious of how precious our lives are and there are so many opportunities for healing. Am I dreaming? I hope not….

As I’m much older now, it obviously takes longer to recover from days of hard work. At the moment I’m savoring this slight change of pace from the intense period of work. Getting to the ridge on the trail where you can see the ocean merging with the blue sky, it made me gasp with a realization that, “Oh, I am here hiking.” Although it’s a simple awareness, after I had been running at full speed for some time, it was a refreshing moment. A moment when I came back to my body to know where I was. That’s called mindfulness. How simple…yet can be so elusive.

It’s indeed my desire to be energized, relaxed and balanced — while I’m so aware life isn’t always like that, which I can accept, and I guess it is a good goal to have on a daily basis. So just for today, I do feel energized, and thank God, I do feel relatively relaxed. And I’m grateful. All I can do is to one day at a time to strive for balance!

Through trials and errors, I have found – or rather created – a path that I can be myself and be creative in my endeavors of being a realtor, a little bit differently. Like I said last week, it’s definitely a path less traveled. As I keep reminding myself, the mantra or I should say, “the buzz word” is “Trust.” The process of trying and learning to blaze my trail is the journey that keeps me nourished and motivated.

All this to say that the last two years many people including ourselves ended up moving to somewhere where “nature” is readily available to connect with although nature is still there in the cities. Yet I think the disconnect in urban life does exacerbate the sense of isolation and frustration. So it keeps me asking myself where I’m going in my life both literally and figuratively. Then again, I’m trusting the process as I always have, and we’re all part of this big tapestry of mysteries, and it only brings me back to this moment right here.

Now that I have less years ahead than behind and looking back, I can’t imagine doing it any other way. Some may see my path as wasteful, but the waste for me became the fertilizers for how my life is still evolving into. I do hate wasting food, energy, and any materials. I drive my husband crazy as I always nag him about not wasting anything. Yet in the case of my life, I don’t feel like I have wasted my life so far as everything is now a part of me.

Indeed, having learned English had provided me with so many opportunities for me to learn, to discover, to experience, to grow, and make some differences in the world. Many, many dreams came true, which led me to have more dreams. As I reflect on this milestone, I am profoundly grateful for so many people I met along the way who guided me, believed in me, supported me and cheered for me. I am grateful for the freedom I’ve had to explore this life that I don’t think I could have had I stayed in or returned to Japan. Despite all the problems we face socially, politically, environmentally and otherwise, this is the country that has given me the space to discover myself, stumble around, keep trying, and keep growing. It is indeed a privilege for me to live in this country as a first-generation immigrant and to be able to pursue my dreams of making this a better world.

It was probably mid to late 1990s that I was first introduced to Vipassana meditation. A friend of mine invited me to go listen to Shinzen Young, a teacher who was then based in Los Angeles and had a small following. Meditation itself wasn’t a foreign activity for me, but I couldn’t say I had a particular practice. The teachings I heard from Shinzen sounded very practical — and I was intrigued. It wasn’t until 2000 as I was turning 40 and my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I decided I wanted to have something to lean on spiritually and sought a meditation practice, which happened to be Vipassana tradition. It is what is popularized as “mindfulness meditation” today.

The last two years, life unfolded quite unexpectedly indeed, starting with an notice from our landlord that she was moving in and we were moving out, then the shut down shortly after putting us living in the mountains full time. As I keep talking about how “uncertain” life seems to be, I hope I don’t sound whiny because I am definitely not discontent about the uncertainty. I’m really curious to see how life will unfold in 2022 for me and for all of us. Even though I’m experiencing a nice flow today, I’m sure there will be ebbs. Yet each ebb and flow would reveal what’s next, and so it will keep unfolding. And isn’t that a blessing?

Now that the new year is in full swing, and even though I tried to start it with ease, it feels like I have hopped, stepped, and jumped into 2022 in the last week. Still feeling much of the effect of chaos, tumult and uncertainty caused by the pandemic and the days still being short when it’s pitch dark when I wake up, it takes me a little more oomph to get myself motivated every morning to be honest.

Staying in the moment to fully engage in life without affected by our own inevitable fearful thoughts and being able to adapt to what life presents takes practice, a lot of it. So I am beginning this year with my intention to stay grateful and curious, and I shall keep “practicing” to stay in the moment one day at a time.

Just as we landed on this life in the mountains by Providence looking like a total accident, I trust the answer will either reveal itself unexpectedly or I will be guided to the next move gently. Learning to live my life AS IS – storm or no storm - on a daily basis is so challenging, but I actually find a little bit of joy in knowing that I don’t have to figure it out by myself today.

My mind tends to get busy thinking about the next adventures in life – short to long terms. And I often get overwhelmed by my own expectation. Often I have to refer back to my own compass to make sure I’m at least on the right track due north rather than running by someone else’s expectations. When I can’t see too far clearly, having a wider perspective – remembering the grander scheme of things – helps me to see the spectrum of goodness and not-goodness – life as it is.

All I know is it’s not the monks who are running around in December these days. We all tend to get really busy this time of the year. Especially as we’re arguably on the heel of a year and a half COVID alert, people seem to be anxious to get back to “normal” life: i.e., holiday parties and shopping. Yes, I was typically one who would get extremely busy this time of the year as FOMO kicks in and didn’t want to miss anything. But today, I’m really longing for the quiet.

Today is the 49th day since my mother passed away. In Buddhism it is of significance, and often a service is conducted for the family. Although I’m not of an expert about the Buddhist traditions other than my faint memories of attending the family rituals for the 49th day whenever someone in the family passed away.

I lost another important person in my life. It was the man who helped pave the path for my career. An old colleague called me yesterday to let me know he passed a few weeks ago, which again was a news I was anticipating. He was battling liver cancer for a few years. Mr. K was a well-known journalist in Japan and was operating a production company downtown LA producing a weekly news magazine show for the local Japanese TV audience in the ‘80s. I was still a student at UCLA trying to finish up my undergrad aspiring to find a career path in journalism. Even though I had little experience, he hired me as an independent contractor. He believed in me, and for years since he continued to refer me to many meaningful documentary projects I’m proud to have worked on. Even though he was rather difficult to work for in the early years, as we both got older he turned out to be someone I could seek advice and guidance and actually enjoyed his company whenever we got to see each other and often shared meals whether in L.A. or in Tokyo.

They say you can never be ready enough for eminent loss no matter how long you anticipated it. And the truth is I was ready a long time ago, and at the same time, I was never ready. I guess I don’t know what it means to be “ready” anyway – if there’s such a thing. Or is there such thing as “complete” with the grieving process? Probably not. It is surreal to think that I no longer have to plan my trips to Japan around going back to my hometown to see my mom. O.K. This actually brings tears in my eyes – and feelings arose in this moment.

The rain finally came on Monday. It was really the first rain for us in the mountains as that fantastic rain storm that hit Los Angeles a little while ago barely brought a few rain drops. This one came rather quietly though much anticipated and lasted for a good part of the day. And that gentle sound of it was oh so comforting. As I looked out the windows, I was almost ecstatic to see the trees getting showered after all these months of no precipitation.

Today was the one-year anniversary of my beloved kitty, Nicola’s passing, and it’s been exactly two weeks since my mom passed. I know I’m not the only one who’s lost more than one beloved ones during this pandemic. For me it is a mixture of blessings, ironies, and frustrations, and I’d imagine many have experienced something similar.