......Soulful Images and Stories

Thoughts

My Biophilc Life

All this to say that the last two years many people including ourselves ended up moving to somewhere where “nature” is readily available to connect with although nature is still there in the cities. Yet I think the disconnect in urban life does exacerbate the sense of isolation and frustration. So it keeps me asking myself where I’m going in my life both literally and figuratively. Then again, I’m trusting the process as I always have, and we’re all part of this big tapestry of mysteries, and it only brings me back to this moment right here.

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Izumi Tanaka
The Path Less Traveled

Now that I have less years ahead than behind and looking back, I can’t imagine doing it any other way. Some may see my path as wasteful, but the waste for me became the fertilizers for how my life is still evolving into. I do hate wasting food, energy, and any materials. I drive my husband crazy as I always nag him about not wasting anything. Yet in the case of my life, I don’t feel like I have wasted my life so far as everything is now a part of me.

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Izumi Tanaka
Chasing My American Dreams

Indeed, having learned English had provided me with so many opportunities for me to learn, to discover, to experience, to grow, and make some differences in the world. Many, many dreams came true, which led me to have more dreams. As I reflect on this milestone, I am profoundly grateful for so many people I met along the way who guided me, believed in me, supported me and cheered for me. I am grateful for the freedom I’ve had to explore this life that I don’t think I could have had I stayed in or returned to Japan. Despite all the problems we face socially, politically, environmentally and otherwise, this is the country that has given me the space to discover myself, stumble around, keep trying, and keep growing. It is indeed a privilege for me to live in this country as a first-generation immigrant and to be able to pursue my dreams of making this a better world.

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Izumi Tanaka
Brief History of My Meditation Practice

It was probably mid to late 1990s that I was first introduced to Vipassana meditation. A friend of mine invited me to go listen to Shinzen Young, a teacher who was then based in Los Angeles and had a small following. Meditation itself wasn’t a foreign activity for me, but I couldn’t say I had a particular practice. The teachings I heard from Shinzen sounded very practical — and I was intrigued. It wasn’t until 2000 as I was turning 40 and my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I decided I wanted to have something to lean on spiritually and sought a meditation practice, which happened to be Vipassana tradition. It is what is popularized as “mindfulness meditation” today.

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Izumi Tanaka
Keep Unfolding

The last two years, life unfolded quite unexpectedly indeed, starting with an notice from our landlord that she was moving in and we were moving out, then the shut down shortly after putting us living in the mountains full time. As I keep talking about how “uncertain” life seems to be, I hope I don’t sound whiny because I am definitely not discontent about the uncertainty. I’m really curious to see how life will unfold in 2022 for me and for all of us. Even though I’m experiencing a nice flow today, I’m sure there will be ebbs. Yet each ebb and flow would reveal what’s next, and so it will keep unfolding. And isn’t that a blessing?

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Izumi Tanaka
Trusting the Process

Now that the new year is in full swing, and even though I tried to start it with ease, it feels like I have hopped, stepped, and jumped into 2022 in the last week. Still feeling much of the effect of chaos, tumult and uncertainty caused by the pandemic and the days still being short when it’s pitch dark when I wake up, it takes me a little more oomph to get myself motivated every morning to be honest.

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Izumi Tanaka
Beginning Again

Staying in the moment to fully engage in life without affected by our own inevitable fearful thoughts and being able to adapt to what life presents takes practice, a lot of it. So I am beginning this year with my intention to stay grateful and curious, and I shall keep “practicing” to stay in the moment one day at a time.

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Izumi Tanaka
Storms At Last

Just as we landed on this life in the mountains by Providence looking like a total accident, I trust the answer will either reveal itself unexpectedly or I will be guided to the next move gently. Learning to live my life AS IS – storm or no storm - on a daily basis is so challenging, but I actually find a little bit of joy in knowing that I don’t have to figure it out by myself today.

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Izumi Tanaka
Perspectives

My mind tends to get busy thinking about the next adventures in life – short to long terms. And I often get overwhelmed by my own expectation. Often I have to refer back to my own compass to make sure I’m at least on the right track due north rather than running by someone else’s expectations. When I can’t see too far clearly, having a wider perspective – remembering the grander scheme of things – helps me to see the spectrum of goodness and not-goodness – life as it is.

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Izumi Tanaka
Month of Running Monks

All I know is it’s not the monks who are running around in December these days. We all tend to get really busy this time of the year. Especially as we’re arguably on the heel of a year and a half COVID alert, people seem to be anxious to get back to “normal” life: i.e., holiday parties and shopping. Yes, I was typically one who would get extremely busy this time of the year as FOMO kicks in and didn’t want to miss anything. But today, I’m really longing for the quiet.

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Izumi Tanaka
Be Still

As we meet the day in a year when we’re particularly grateful for whatever we’re grateful for, I am reminded of all the “things” I am grateful for DESPITE the seeming challenges and losses I had in my life this past year. I attended a sacred circle a few weeks ago where the ceremony started out with stating what we were grateful for. First thing that came to my mind was all the people in my life who believe in me in spite of my own limited belief. While I had more than a average share of losses, I’ve also made some deeply heart-aligned connections with people around the country this year. When I cannot see the progress I’m making; when I cannot believe in my own strength and capacity, I have so many people who can remind me of who I am. Somehow they can see me better than I can. The truth is that goes the other way, which I’m grateful to be able to reciprocate.

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Izumi Tanaka
The 49th Day

Today is the 49th day since my mother passed away. In Buddhism it is of significance, and often a service is conducted for the family. Although I’m not of an expert about the Buddhist traditions other than my faint memories of attending the family rituals for the 49th day whenever someone in the family passed away.

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Izumi Tanaka
Another Farewell

I lost another important person in my life. It was the man who helped pave the path for my career. An old colleague called me yesterday to let me know he passed a few weeks ago, which again was a news I was anticipating. He was battling liver cancer for a few years. Mr. K was a well-known journalist in Japan and was operating a production company downtown LA producing a weekly news magazine show for the local Japanese TV audience in the ‘80s. I was still a student at UCLA trying to finish up my undergrad aspiring to find a career path in journalism. Even though I had little experience, he hired me as an independent contractor. He believed in me, and for years since he continued to refer me to many meaningful documentary projects I’m proud to have worked on. Even though he was rather difficult to work for in the early years, as we both got older he turned out to be someone I could seek advice and guidance and actually enjoyed his company whenever we got to see each other and often shared meals whether in L.A. or in Tokyo.

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Izumi Tanaka
My Own Private Grief

They say you can never be ready enough for eminent loss no matter how long you anticipated it. And the truth is I was ready a long time ago, and at the same time, I was never ready. I guess I don’t know what it means to be “ready” anyway – if there’s such a thing. Or is there such thing as “complete” with the grieving process? Probably not. It is surreal to think that I no longer have to plan my trips to Japan around going back to my hometown to see my mom. O.K. This actually brings tears in my eyes – and feelings arose in this moment.

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Izumi Tanaka
Sound of the First Rain

The rain finally came on Monday. It was really the first rain for us in the mountains as that fantastic rain storm that hit Los Angeles a little while ago barely brought a few rain drops. This one came rather quietly though much anticipated and lasted for a good part of the day. And that gentle sound of it was oh so comforting. As I looked out the windows, I was almost ecstatic to see the trees getting showered after all these months of no precipitation.

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Izumi Tanaka
Accepting What Is

Today was the one-year anniversary of my beloved kitty, Nicola’s passing, and it’s been exactly two weeks since my mom passed. I know I’m not the only one who’s lost more than one beloved ones during this pandemic. For me it is a mixture of blessings, ironies, and frustrations, and I’d imagine many have experienced something similar.

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Izumi Tanaka
Trust the Flow

And I tend to forget that I am grieving. It was like that with my last cat, Nicola, who’s been gone for a whole year now. Both with Nicola and Mom, I knew the inevitable losses were coming and I grieved long before the end finally came while I kept busy pursuing my dreams and aspirations. My life has been blessed with so many opportunities to learn so many new things that are beneficial for my personal and professional life and connect with so many individuals who inspire me and nourishes my soul. Yet, it takes my friends reminding me that am grieving when I have a hard time getting myself motivated to get to work or even do some household chores because I feel this underlining sorrow and despair.

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Izumi Tanaka
Long Way Home

As I was trying to settle back into my life the last couple of days, the call came early this morning from my brother. My mom finally made her transition last night at the hospice. I was told she passed as if she just went to sleep without any pain or suffering. I had called her care manager the day before I left for my trip. She happened to be by my mom, so she put the phone to my mom’s ear telling her it was me calling. Mom couldn’t verbalize and only made a grunt. The lady told me she started crying when she heard my voice. It turns out that was the last time I heard her voice.

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Izumi Tanaka
Bone Dry

This is the reality we live today. This road trip was meant for me to explore the West coast with an intention of finding a possible new home, and it is also to really understand what’s really happening beyond our big little world of the Southern California where we’ve lived for over 4 decades. Again, I find myself feeling pulled into a despair, yet today after having spent 3 days of “alone” time in the car, I’m finding motivation to keep going with my life. May the new scenery provide some new perspective and inspiration. 🙏

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Izumi Tanaka
Acceptance is the Answer

And I wonder if I’m highly empathetic to feel so unsettled every morning as I wake up, or is it my own shit (excuse my language). It’s likely the combination of both. I’ve never considered myself to be a pessimist, but I’m beginning to wonder. I’m not liking the thoughts that are passing through my head, and I would like to change that. I don’t want to be a whiner or nay sayer. As I sought a consult of an energy healer, who told me that I’m carrying too much on my shoulder. That feels true. Sigh.

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Izumi Tanaka